♠ JOKING AROUND! ♠

Adult humour! Are we adults yet?

Lads!

Mick and Paul fancied a pint or two, but didn't have a lot of money. Between them they had just £1.50.

Mick said 'I have an idea...'

He went into the butcher's and came out with a large sausage!

Paul: 'Are you crazy? Now we haven't got any money left at all'

Mick: 'Don't worry - just follow me'

They went into the next pub and immediately ordered two pints and two large Vodkas.

Paul: 'Now you've done it. We haven't got any money!!!'

Mick: 'Don't worry - I have got a plan. Cheers!' And they supped their drinks.

Mick said 'OK, I'll now stick the sausage through my zip - you will go on your knees and put it in your mouth. The landlord noticed this, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued the trick, pub after pub after pub after pub, getting more and more drunk - all for free.

At the 10th pub Paul said 'I don't think I can continue this any longer mate. I'm pissed and my knees are killing me!'

Mick said 'How do you think I feel - I lost the sausage in the 3rd pub!!!'

Medics, from Smiley!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. When the doctor arrived he examined the baby, then checked his weight. Being a little concerned, he asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed", replied the woman .

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

The doctor began his examination by pinching her nipples. He then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while before concluding his examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," replied the woman, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm SOOOO glad I came!"

Hygeine from Debra!

There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week, but early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30am.

I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothesbasket, donned some clothes,hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do,I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?"

I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.

After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it!!!"

Poodles from Smiley!

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet poodle along for company. One day, the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long the poodle discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The poodle thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attach in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That poodle nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the poodle saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear, the poodle says....

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

SOMETIMES BULLSHIT AND BRILLIANCE ARE THE SAME!

Some jokes from Eric!

Q. What do you call an Aussie with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
A. Bisexual.

'Tie me kangaroo down sport' - they're just a bunch of animal pervs!!!

Sweet Home Alabama!
A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:

'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' 15 students raise their hands.

'That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' 3 students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says,

'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The redneck student (remember, this is Alabama) replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, 'Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.'

The student replies, 'Ghost?!? I thought you said 'GOATS!'

De, de, de, diddle, diddle, diddle, de, de, deeeeliverance!

Sunburn
A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburned beyond belief. He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment.

The doctor looked at his lobster-colored legs and shook his head. 'You must realize that this is only a small village medical facility,' he explained. 'I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime...'

The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra. Puzzled, the man asked, 'I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet going to do?'

'Not a thing for the sunburn,' the doctor replied, 'but it might keep the sheets off your legs!'

Moo, moo!
Did you hear about the bloke who died from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him!!!
Boom, boom!

Through the keyhole!
One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, 'Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.'

The guy says, 'Well, give me some examples.'

The girlfriend proceeds to tell him, 'Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me.

'The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either.'

Then she said, 'Honey, how do you unlock your door?'

He then proceeded to say, 'Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock.'

THE DUCK - from Smiley
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a pair of Labrador Retrievers. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dogs stood on their hind legs, put their front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. They then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook their heads. The vet patted the dogs, took them out of the room and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Reports and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

A little sweetie from Floydy...
A Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?" The Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." Jelly Bean thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and start kicking the jelly sh*t out of him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me."

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*cking menthol".

One for the lads off to 'Dam from Uggles...
A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot.

The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot, "What about this one Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only £20."

"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant "it use to live in a brothel and as a result it's language is a touch fruity!"

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot."

So she buys the parrot and takes him home. Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "F*** me, a new brothel and a new madam!"

"I'm not a Madam and this isn't a brothel" says the woman indignantly.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. "A new brothel, a new madam, and now new whores," says the parrot when he sees the daughters. "Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes," complained the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home and the parrot says........

"Well F*** me, a new brothel, a new madam, new whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin' Dave ?"

A Man Joke from FLOYDY...

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:

You're a Siamese twin.

Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.

You're not.

He has a date coming over tonight.

You only have one arse.

Some Tommy Cooperisms...

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The Ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was brilliant! Boom Boom!

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" the Doc asks. "Don't you start, please!" moans the guy.

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." Doc says, "Well you can't say fairer than that then!"

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin!

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy!

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed?

I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off...

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Do you know someone like it? From GRAHAM W...

A bloke gets blind drunk one night and pukes all down his shirt.

"Oh, no!", he cries. "My wife's gonna kill me!"

"Don't worry!", said his mate. "Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell her that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty quid for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even more drunk.

Eventually, he gets home and his wife starts to dish out some nag pie.

"You absolutely reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God,you're disgusting!", she says.

Speaking very carefully, so as not to slur, he says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick all over me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz booze. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me a twennie for the cleaning bill!"

His Wife looks in his breast pocket and says, "But there's forty quid in here!?."

"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhh*t in my pants as well!!!!!

OOOER - From GRAHAM W...

Man bumps into a fellow lady guest in a hotel reception area, accidentally hitting her in the boob with his elbow.

By way of apologising he says "If your heart is as big and soft as your boob, you will find your way to forgiving me?"

To which she replies, "If your cock is as big and as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 49!"

Facts of life - from GRAHAM W...

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package." The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, " Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

Ain't that so? From GRAHAM W...

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big, bad wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf." The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush. "My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf." Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock. My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to shit!"

Holiday humour - from GRAHAM W...

A married couple went on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! come in... come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in.The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of his hips. The Jamaican then began screaming,

"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"

Quick girls - from GRAHAM W...

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kinds of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man's penis goes through three phases...
In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

Blondes - From SMILEY...

Eleven blondes and one brunette were hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter that was having engine problems. They all decided that one person should let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should, so finally the brunette gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others.

All of the blondes started clapping...

Love this! From SMILEY...

A blonde phones up her boyfriend and says, "Can you come round my place and help me out please! I've got a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What's it meant to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's supposed to be a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go round and help her with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him the puzzle, which is spread out all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosties back in the box."

One up MAN ship - from GRAHAM W...

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the Barbados for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a New Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

Number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, It's not to the French Riviera. It's to my parents' house in Hayling Island for two weeks."

The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes, he bought me a Honda instead."

"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"

That's about right! - From GRAHAM W...

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions...

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... Double Income, No Kids Yet."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker"

They turn to a woman and ask her, "What are you?"

She replies: " I'm a W.I.F.E., you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

Another blonde joke - from GRAHAM W...

Doctor Doctor
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good,"” said her mother. "Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?" "”Yes, it’s because you’re blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!" "Very good,” said her mother. "Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it’s because you’re blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?" "No dear, it’s because you’re 25."

Hospital hilarity - from GRAHAM W...

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"

KIDS - From GRAHAM W...

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?" "Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops"

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,got up,and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice,"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be fu*king Coco Pops"

MEN! From SMILEY...

The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky. Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from South Ifrika and one from New Zulland. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous. The night of tales begins...

Kiven the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeale, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeale and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends"

Alan from South Africa who typically can't stand to be bettered said, "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Namibian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off ind then sucked the poison from it's body down in one gulp. End I'm still here today"

Terry, the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his penis!

Kids again! From SUE...

TRAIN SET
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the trainstop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

LADIES NIGHT - from SUE...
Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 note And stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 note. She called the guy back, licks the R20 note, and sticks it to his other Butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 note and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 note. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy Gyrates over to me!!! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50 note.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet...........!

What could I do??

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and went home!!

HELPING HAND - from SUE...

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.

"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw you every time!"

Oh, them Irish - from GRAHAM W...

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top Prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the top prize the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

POSTMAN PAT - From GRAHAM W...

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage,blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said,"but what's the five dollars for?"

"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, "Fuck him. Give him five bucks." The breakfast was my idea."

ESSEX GIRLS - From GRAHAM W...

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. "Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says "Choose from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take the red one." The man replies, "That's a fire extinguisher."

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's hundreds of them!"

Tracey and Sharon are in a perfume shop spraying the testers on their wrists. Tracey says to Sharon "Here Shar, this ones nice". Her friend replies "Yeah Trace, wot's it called?". Tracey replies "Ryens a moy" at which point the shop assistant intervenes and sates that it is a very high class expensive French perfume called "Riens a Moi" which means "Come to Me". Tracey has another sniff and says to Sharon "Here Shar, that doesn't smell like "Come to Me", does it smell like Come to you?".